11/4/2006 Saturday

I'm not sleeping well these days. It's late I should be sleeping...

It's almost a month now since I spotted the lump on my neck. November 4, 2006 was a Saturday. Three weeks prior I had been having shoulder pain on my left side, in my back. Felt like a muscle. Saw a Doctor on 11/3 got a prescription for an anti-inflamatory. It worked.

The Next day...while at work I spotted the lump on my neck after running my hand over it, like a was scratching my neck or something. I almost immediately freaked out. It looked HUGE (it wasn't really) but it reminded me of ALIEN. Something was growing in my neck.

I went home that night asked my wife if I was crazy. Pulled my t-shirt away from my neck so she could get a good view and she confirmed my fear. It was a lump. I waited a week until going back to the Dr. Hoping the drugs I had for the muscle pain (which was gone) might have an effect on the lump. But it didn't.

The following Friday I went back to my Dr and she ordered an ultrasound. She didn't like the look of it either. The lymph nodes in my neck had grouped together in a very suspiciously cancerous way.

Needless to say Dec 4 is exactly one month since I spotted the lump. I am meeting with a Surgeon on 12/4 to discuss a biopsy of the lymph nodes in my neck. I have previously had a CAT scan, two needle aspirations of my neck to diagnose the malignant cells in my body.

The lone mystery to date...the CAT scan found a mass on my left kidney about 3 inches in diameter. Since the soon to be scheduled biopsy is being done to confirm or deny HODGKINS LYMPHOMA, the mass on my kidney is not easily explained away as Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (NHL) as possibly previously believed by my Oncologist. (I think that was where she thought I was headed toward: NHL)

NHL can move anywhere it wants to and could have landed on my Kidney. Hodgkins Lymphoma (HL) or Hodgkin's Disease follows a predictable pattern and doesn't look like it could have reached my kidney at this point. The affected lymph nodes in my neck are also in my chest and that is why they are trying to pin this down as HL.

I also have a PET scan scheduled this week and eventually a needle aspiration of my left kidney to finally resolve that mystery. (if it's related at all)

In 30 days time I have accepted the reality that I am in for the fight of my life. I wrestled with the idea of not being around for my kids...dying and leaving my family behind drives me to tears more than the prospect of having Cancer and losing this fight. Dying doesn't worry me, leaving my family behind does. I know something isn't right and having discovered that lump on 11/4/2006 I became a different person.

My birthday is October 16th but I think next year (God willing) I will CELEBRATE November 4th instead.

I'm not taking this lying down. I'm too young and pissed off to let this get me.
But my life has indeed changed. I'm not the same person I was a month ago, too much has happened in too short a period of time to remain the same person.

The Lance Armstrong website has a quote in it's manifesto that says: "Even though cancer leaves your body, it never leaves your life."

I will always have this with me, even when it's in remission. It will always be a part of me and my family. Once we know if it's HL or NHL we can then begin to kick it's ass. I have read that once diagnosed I am considered a "SURVIVOR" and survivorship begins. I found the lump a month ago, regardless of when I learn officially what it is and what stage it is, I began surviving it on 11/4/2006.