...exhausted. Maybe it's me.

I think it's time to give this blog a rest. I have so much on my plate that I can't foresee a way to objectively give it the time it needs.

I think it has run it's course.

I am approaching my 2nd remission anniversary and have documented quite thoroughly what we have been thru and maybe even beat a dead horse here and there.

I am not getting anything accomplished with this blog. I am feeling all sorts of frustrated in other parts of my life due to cancer elsewhere in the family and I think I need to put some distance between me and the word cancer...if I can help it.

I have reached a level of depression that is starting to affect my work. I am tired and spent emotionally and physically.

I am so tired of the word cancer. I have been hearing about it since my mother-in-law was diagnosed in 2001. She has had one recurrence of NHL and then as I was diagnosed myself she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

So far we have both beat it...but then a few months ago my mother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer and it started all over again...

I can't seem to get away from it. This past decade has been horrible for health related concerns and as I inch into my forties I acknowledge that my thirties have not been all that good. I am not so sure I am looking forward to what's ahead...

So as I slowly close a chapter here...almost 200 posts about cancer and stuff, n ot all of it made sense or served a purpose I'm sure, I am admitting some kind of battle fatigue, I feel as though I have been racing to "Do Something" but haven't done a damn thing.

Perhaps when I take a step back I will hopefully find maybe I had written something that will benefit others in some capacity but as of today I am all out of energy and ambition and will power to argue and fight with cancer anymore.

It's time to go back to some kind of normal. Even though I started writing "my book" off line I think I am going to stop where I am and start something else. Maybe a wild fantasy that doesn't have anything to do with real life as we know it...Honestly I never did understand what my brother found so interesting about fantasy novels, I think I get it now.

I am trying to define "normal" after cancer, I have been trying since I was given a clean bill of health in 2007 but it seems to haunt me now like a really bad dream and I am having a hard time shaking it off.

It's clearly genetic and I worry about my kids having to deal with it one day. They are surrounded by it, I figure given what I have been thru they will be better prepared to respond if cancer ever rears it's F'ugly head someday...but I still worry and despair that they will have to deal with personally.

I know it makes no sense to worry but I'm a parent...that's my job.

but I digress...

I am retreating from all things cancer and for the immediate future not blogging about it. Not writing about it. Trying to avoid talking about it...I have had enough.

I have had enough. I'm spent. I have no more in me. I don't know what my point was to begin with... I never did accomplish anything. I just rambled on about it.




I am desperately trying to move on.







...for now that's it.
Be well.