Comments on Remission

http://lymphoma.about.com/od/livingwithlymphoma/p/remission.htm

Found this article about remission. Thought I'd share.

This afternoon I go back to visit my Oncologist for a check up exactly one week after my PET/CT. Since I have not received a phone call in regards to "bad news" I am going into this check up expecting much of the same news I have received since the Hodgkin's went into remission two years ago.

However given that this is what I am expecting I still find myself anxious. I can't help it. It comes with the territory...I know "Remission is Not a Cure" and that this fight is still "on" because it can pop up again anytime it wants to and that just because the cancer responded to the treatment it doesn't mean it's not going to come back.

Some people might say that is a defeatist attitude but I can't see living my life pretending that it can't come back. It is a very realistic possibility, maybe not today or next year...but there are no guarantees. Even when I ignore it completely I still look over my shoulder. I expect to for the rest of my life.

As with everything in life there are no guarantees. But it is reinforced in me a little harder every time I come around to a CT scan and these check ups...I can live my life everyday just as normal as normal will allow and deal and wrestle with the everyday stresses that go along with it...

But these visits pop up and I'm right back were I started. Today's visit will involve blood work, weight check and a mini physical. Some talking about how I'm feeling and then some reassuring comments from my Oncologist that all is well...

But the there is always that sliver of doubt...I'm human. Flawed like the rest of 'em.

Even if your disease stands eliminated after treatment is over, it is still not called a cure. Lymphomas have a chance of recurring, and the doctor will often wait for a few years before he is confident that your disease will not return. Only after that can he tell you that you are cured. For Hodgkin and Aggressive Non-Hodgkin lymphomas, the disease has the highest chance of returning within a couple of years. Indolent NHL can often return after many years.

I am one of many who know there is NO CURE for Cancer.

Never will be.

It's a chronic disease brought on by environmental and genetic factors that can't be pigeonholed.

It's a chronic disease I hope to never have to deal with again, in my body or my life. But that isn't going to stop it. Everyday I hear news of some one else dealing with it.

It has so screwed up parts of my life. Every time I see a "Livestrong" bracelet I know I am not alone. I still wear one. I have gone back and forth on wearing it, partly because it seems rather cliche but I wear it to remind me (as if I need reminding) that I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago when I found the "bump" on my neck which lead us here...

I am not the same guy. Life changed in a split second. And the first time the words "cancerous activity" were spoken out loud are forever burned in my memory. All of this is magnified on a day like today.

I count every 18th as my remission day. As each month passes I get closer to being that 5 year survivor and declaring "I'm CURED"...but it's more like I'm "considered" cured because I know a guy who just reached that anniversary and had to start all over again.

Cancer sucks.

It is with me every single day.

I am reminded of it every time I get dressed, I am reminded of it when I take a moment from the daily grind and realize where I am today and were I wish I was vs. where I could be.

But I will check in with Dr L. today and I plan on a good day... I will catalogue the bone pain I still have and the noises my joints make and we'll discuss if it's just age or something else. We will talk about sleep patterns and night sweats and appetite etc.

But I still get anxious.

I will always get anxious.


This is my normal.

"Cancer may leave your body, but it never leaves your life"

Have a good day.

Be well.