Recent Stuff...

I learned a few things about myself this week...ultimately I learned that getting older isn't easy. As my 40th birthday approaches I have realized with my wife's help that I am literally due for a mid-course correction. I am at a point in my life where I have to accept that the kid in me has grown up and I need to stop chasing his dreams...

To use a cliche...I have to learn how to navigate a midlife crisis. How sad is that? But the symptoms add up. Basically I have to learn how to accept the person I planned on becoming is not who I am now. I have to figure out who I am today and be content with the dreams I have to let go of and set some new goals. Maybe I'll learn how to play Golf or take up Running (wouldn't mind having a runner's body) maybe I'll just switch to painting water colors and put the cartoons behind me.

I am in transition. I don't know how long this will take but we just figured this out...of course I will write about it.

This midlife adjustment (I don't like the word "crisis") explains a lot of things about my behavior of late and perhaps why I am dealing with weight (high blood pressure) and why some pent up aggression is being directed towards the wrong people.

My midlife adjustment is part of a larger tsunami just taking shape in my life...I have a lot of stress and the elements that are contributing to it haven't been dealt with YET. The symptoms that are bubbling up to the surface in my life personally involve questions of self worth, (before Cancer I was sweating turning 40 because I wondered what I had actually done with my life at that point)...lots of plans in my life went off in other directions and I was grappling with failure (in my own mind)...then Cancer hit me right between the eyes and turning 40 became a goal.

So as 40 is about 2 weeks away I am cancer free (but not free of cancer) I have a lot of unresolved personal and emotional issues still haunting me because of it...now my life is different (better or worse) since cancer. The self worth questions resurfaced...the self doubt questions, past regrets, lack of vision for a sparkling future...at least not fairy tale, story book, happily ever after type of future.

I have not dealt with the fact I had to deal with my own mortality and how that should shape how I live the rest of my life...my second chance. I am questioning how my life has mattered, I've been restless, angry and frustrated about what I can't control and maybe where I have ended up.

Now more than ever uncertainty is all I have and I am not happy with it.

So as midlife changes are settling in, I am trying to adapt to the 40 year old me and my current baggage and bidding the 20 year old me full of dreams and piss and vinegar...young, dumb and full of cum a fond fare well.

I need to learn and master some stress management techniques. I need to take stock of my life and maybe put the cartoons behind me and pick a brush and tackle some new artistic territory.

As far as my weight/BP issues go...as of a half hour ago the Wii fit weighed me at 234 lbs. Leaving me just 2.5 pounds to hit my goal set about a month ago.

I am still taking my BP pill every night. (almost...I have forgotten sometimes)

I previously started another blog that was about turning my health around and dealing with frustrations... http://channelingfrustrations.blogspot.com but I have not added to it lately and I think it's ironic that I added links about depression there and stress management not seeing this STRESS issue in my life becoming such a huge problem...I need to read my own blog more often...I need to add to it as well.

Surviving Cancer. The New Normal (after cancer). Work. Family Issues. Health. Age. Poor Career Choices. Past Regrets. Hopes. Dreams. Aspirations (long gone)...And sleeping in the bed I made, is all coming at me full speed.

This is life at a Crossroads. How I choose to deal with what is going on right now will affect the rest of my life. I am standing at the intersection of my life...Past and Future.

It's gonna be interesting to see how this works itself out.

...on a side note, I read about the Canary Foundation in this months CURE magazine. http://www.canaryfoundation.org/
Canary Foundation is a non-profit dedicated to the goal of identifying cancer early through a simple blood test and then isolating it with imaging. Our collaborative research programs span multiple disciplines and institutions.

I am very much all about early detection and The Canary Foundation believes in finding the Cancer early and saving lives. The side bar article in CURE mentioned how they envision a future when a Cancer screening test will be as easy as an EPT. $15.00 buys you a take home kit and something in the technology reads proteins in your blood produced only by cancer cells. Just like that you could know like an early pregnancy test that you either have cancer or you don't.

They hope to have clinical tests in place by 2015 that would find tumors when they are no larger than 1 millimeter cubed. (about the size of a pea)

They are also working on finding a way to make tumors light up on an Ultrasound.

This stuff excites me.

Not talking about a cure...just better technology to deal with Cancer as a chronic disease.


Okay...that's it.
Be well.

-Scott.

"Ch-ch-changes, Just gonna have to be a different man, Time may change me, But I cant trace time" -David Bowie.