Cross posted on Second Chance Mission blog

Stumbling along...

I am not feeling so great these days. In two weeks I will be revisiting my diagnosis day (Dec 19) as a whole I am not feeling terrific about it. I should be celebrating my victory over two cancers but instead I am feeling run down, the herniated disc in my back is reached a point where it is driving me crazy most of the day now. ( I have to get it looked at)

The signals my body is giving me combined with my anniversary on the 19th is driving me to distraction.

I am reacting to every pain like it's a restart of the Hodgkin's again, I examined my neck thoroughly this afternoon after a twinge of pain trickled up my neck where the original lymph node had swollen to the point of being seen. I ran my finger over the biopsy scar a few times like I was sealing it closed and keeping cancer away with a magic spell.

"one, two, three...no cancer"

My mind is racing with "what ifs" as I question everything making me twitch like it is a symptom I missed last year (before I spotted the lump).

All of this anti-productive activity is taking a lot out of me. I'm feeling run down and starting to question the validity of any fatigue I feel.

I know I am being delusional but I feel like I have to keep looking over my shoulder for the grim reaper waiting to re-introduce Cancer into my life. Suddenly the confidence I had when I learned I was in remission (May 18th) is gone, replaced by this feeling of impending doom.

I keep telling myself it's the time of year, undue stress and it is two weeks before the day I received the calls from my Dr's each telling me precisely what it was I had. I feel like I am waiting for somebody to pop out from around the corner and scare the crap out of me..."BOO! You have Cancer again!"

Is this normal? Where does this irrational fear come from? I have another CT scan in January and I am getting anxious about what it will or will not find already.

I thought I had this licked. I thought 12/19 wasn't going to bother me. But for some reason I am being haunted by my Cancer. I don't know if I can shake this feeling.

It's draggin me down.
Dawn said I should call my Oncologist...just to talk to him.

I might, but I'm getting superstitious and I don't want to invite the wrong mojo by calling him just to talk...it's getting weird.

I'm getting weird.


In other developments, plans to set up a non-profit are being evaluated. We are in talks with our laywer to decide if a non-profit is the best fit or another option which might allow us to use any funds raised the way we want to and not the way the government may tell us we have to.

There is still a lot of talking going on, fundraising ideas being lobbied about and a lot of paperwork to fill out.

I will post more when I know more.

Until then, be well.