5-18-08 ONE YEAR LATER (Remission Day)

I woke up just before 5 am. I wanted to catch the sunrise. Daylight was already cutting thru the darkness when I got outside. Birds were singing and making all kinds of racket...nature is noisy at this hour in the morning.

It was chilly and damp out. I put on my sneakers, my jacket and hat and stood on the front porch watching the world wake up. I wonder what Adam and Eve thought the first time they saw a sunrise.

I have to say it wasn't very colorful, I guess sunsets are more dramatic. The important part about today is that it marks the anniversary of my still being here. The anniversary of my still trying to figure out why I'm here and appreciate life while I'm here. I have noticed since having cancer how easy it is to take life for granted. The everyday goings on, the same routine, day in and day out.

We lose sight of the spectacular among the mundane.

The smaller picture is that I am still here after being diagnosed with two miserable cancers in December 2006. Surgery and six months of chemo later...I can't believe I'm in remission one whole year already. I should certainly enjoy the mundane things in life when you consider the alternative...I could be in a box under the grass, doing absolutely nothing.

I wrote 16 pages in my journal this morning after coming in from outside. I want to spend today in a state of "just being"- I am trying to look past the eventual roar my kids will make when they finally wake up today. I have stolen some quiet time and I have actually enjoyed it.

I drank two cups of coffee and ate a bowl of cereal while recording my notes from this morning.

I bought a t-shirt yesterday that features a cartoon figure sitting in a hammock between two palm trees. The shirt reads: "LIFE IS GOOD." I could have purchased a "Livestrong" t-shirt as well but I think after last year "life is good" sums it up. Life is in the everyday details and I am trying to pay attention to them and not take life so seriously.

Even when life sucks (and it does from time to time) life is good. Because like I said before the opposing position is to be dead. I think the point of the matter for me today is that life as a whole is full of crap and daily rituals and we know this. We all get caught up in the daily routines and find ourselves in a perpetual rut and we feel like hamsters in a wheel...but we need to see these routines for what they are and get past them. When we get a chance to shake them up and break free of the cob webs we should take that moment and get up before the sun and watch nature do it's thing.

Certainly I could have planned to jump out of an airplane today or I could have climbed a mountain but beating cancer is enough for me right now. Life isn't about those big moments, it's more about the tiny ones. It's watching your kids sleep. It's sitting in a quiet house listening to the clock tick. You know in a few short hours the noise will drown the ticking clock out of ear shot, so soaking in the quiet is so beautiful right now.

Listening to the birds this morning was the same as watching my kids sleep. Once the day gets going the birds will be drowned out and no one will notice them at all. Everything will get lost in the everyday moments of life.

I don't need to jump out of an airplane to appreciate life. I am still alive. Life is short, stop complaining and move on.

I think that's my new motto...

"Life is short, stop complaining and move on"

Life is too short to worry about who is right and who is wrong. Who cares? Pretty soon we'll all be dead and it won't matter anyway. We should all shut up and be happy we're still breathing and get on with our tiny lives.

Do you think it matters what political party wins an election or if someone says the "F" word on national television or if the earth is several billions of years old or a few thousand?

NO... IT IS SO NOT IMPORTANT.

We waste so much time being petty and stupid and getting caught up in the dumbest things that we lose sight of everyday miracles. We walk around like we are entitled to the lives we are living. We run around with our power lunches and we crunch numbers and worry about the bottom line. We stress about getting "ours" and in the midst of it all we forget to notice that we are even breathing.

If you stopped and noticed that you were breathing more often maybe you would appreciate the fact that you woke up at all and might think twice before cutting me off in traffic and giving me the bird because I hit my horn to remind you I was there. So there you go racing to your all important job somewhere in the world. Do you work in an office or in a cubicle or behind a counter?

Guess what: It doesn't matter.

It's just work. It'll be there tomorrow whether you show up or not. We need to stop taking ourselves so seriously and lighten up a bit. We need to laugh at ourselves and learn how to be in the moment. We need to slow down and be aware of our movements and the blood traveling in our veins.

We need to "Just BE."

Just be. Nothing more, nothing less.

Observe how life does what it does. How nature gets about things done.

Sip that coffee like you've never sipped coffee before. Taste it for once, don't just gulp it down.

Sit in traffic and not be in a rush.

Smell the dampness in the morning air.

Feel the sun on your skin.

Feel the dew on the grass.

Listen to the quiet...

Watch the birds. They don't sweat the small stuff. They sing in the morning, sometimes all day. They go about their days and they live. We can learn a lot from nature.

I should get up before the sun more often.

Watching the sun rise today helped center me and allowed me to recognize my place in the universe a little bit.

It's all about making room for the large (important) rocks versus the small (unimportant) rocks in the jar. (if you have sat thru a Franklin Covey time management seminar you know what that last sentence means)

I think paying attention to the natural rhythm of things is important. Not forcing square pegs into round holes is very important. Understanding your inner nature helps. Trying to be something or somebody we are not is anti-productive. I desperately need to give things away.

I need less clutter in my home, in my head and in my life.

We don't need all the crap we collect. We need to give it away (whatever "it" is)...we need to stop saying..."I want" or "I plan to..." or "I..." anything. We are here but for the grace of God, don't make too many plans too far ahead you never know when this trip is going to end.


What I am trying to do more often:

Take life slowly.

Drink some wine.

Eat good food.

Be more active.

Sleep.

Laugh, especially at myself.

Expect change.

Don't try to figure out any of this crap...just keep moving.

Acknowledge and move on.



I need to constantly recognize that life is what it is. When it's over it's over. Take deep breaths and just be.

Don't worry about who is paying attention, because no one really is. We're going to screw up and drop the "F" bomb once in a while...big freakin' deal. Life is bigger than the "F" bomb.

As a kid I took nearly everything I was told or given at face value. I absorbed most of my church upbringing the same way. I didn't usually question anything or anyone. That was a mistake.

As an adult I question everything. I continue to question everything under the sun because you just don't know and you can't really prove anything. I will encourage my kids to question everything too. Especially their leaders.

And we need to stop living in a box trying to get every step just right. We are not capable of getting it right. I'm not saying don't try...just don't think that it matters in the long run and it's not worth spending decades of your life sweating this stuff. We only average about 7-8 decades as it is. Lets not waste them.

Life is messy and God designed it that way. Deal with it.

I'm alive therefore life is good. My new T-shirt is right.

Thanks be to God and his mercy and the wisdom he gave to the scientists who created the chemicals used to kill the lymphoma I had.


I am learning to be in the moment.

I am learning to just "Be"



Remission is not a cure. This is just one year later.

"Cancer may leave your body but it never leaves your life."

On May 20th 1988 (if I remember correctly) my grandmother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Today on May 18th 2008 I am in remission one year.


Today is strangely bittersweet.



Be Well.